5 years in 5 months

She awoke with a fragile heart, lashes fluttering in the darkness, bleary and still sleep-eyed.  Her chest felt hollow, broken, and fragile in so many ways.  Her tongue dry, throat raw, eyes burning with the sting of so many tears.  She slid out of the bed, placing her feet on the hardwood floor, swaying some before catching her balance.

Her body felt heavy, as if she were covered with a lead apron as she walked to her bedroom door.  Everything around her seemed to move slowly and almost backward.  If only time really could move backwards.

Her heart throbbed in her chest, broken.  A constant reminder of the night’s events.  A reminder that she would rather be dead then opening her bedroom door and heading to the bathroom to begin her normal morning routine.  Nothing felt normal anymore.  It all felt as if it were upside down, as if she were walking on the ceiling, weighted to it by agony and despair.

She opened the shower curtain, turning the water on and trying to ignore the burning, aching feeling in her chest.  She had so much to do today, so many things that she didn’t even want to start.  Work, school, volunteer work, meetings, friends…friends.  Her heart ached in her chest and tears sprung in her eyes.  She clutched at the fabric of her shirt and whimpered.

Friends.  The word played in her head as a harsh whisper, over and over again.  Her heart pounded and bile rose up in her throat, constricting, choking.

Five months had passed.  Five whole months and she still held onto the idea, the fantasy, the lies he fed her.  Since June she had thought they were still in love.  Truly, madly, deeply because that was how he lead her.  But by September she knew that love wasn’t real.  Five years of love still inhabited her heart, pouring out in beautiful words and promises that he ignored.

Yet, he still lied to her until September.  He still used her, manipulated her into being so broken she went to someone unlikely for comfort, companionship, friendship.  And she found it in one night of desperation.  A 41 minute phone call full of tears and hiccups and apologies.

But she still loved him, without conditions and freely.  His lies, manipulations, and broken promises didn’t change what was in her heart as much as she needed it to.  How could she possibly love someone who lied, cheated and left her broken in so many different ways.  Apparently, just to make her happy and keep her begging, loneliness and childishness at bay.  Hidden behind his comfort and humanity.

“I was just doing you a favor,” he whispers, so harsh he’s almost spitting it, “I don’t love you.”

And she falls again, cutting deep and broken standing beneath the hot water of she shower.  She tries to shake the feeling, rising in her stomach, her chest, from her lips, but it escapes in five damned words.

“I will always love you.”

7 reasons it’s never the same

It’s 6 o’clock and they’re back to being normal.  Or as normal as they can get anyways.  She’s sitting in her pink office chair, writing a paper and he’s on her bed reading for class.  Neither speaks but instead enjoys the serene safety that lingers in the air around them like a blanket.

He turns the page, she minimizes the document window.  A shift in weight, a light sleepy sigh.  She bites her lip in concentration, he shifts and moves his face to rest on his hand.  It’s the same boring…the same dull…the same comfortable routine that neither seems to deviate from out of fear.

If the routine changes, they change.  They change more then they want to, more then they have.  He wants to grow, she wants to hold on to things she still wishes they had.  Yet, neither can move forward without the other.  How? Because here they are, another school night spent together in silence.  Him on her bed, her in her chair.  Both lounging comfortably in the silence they created around them.  The bubble of serenity they refuse to burst with words.

It’s so quiet she imagines she can hear his heartbeat and the feeling of tears and heartache tug at her senses.  Everything about him, every breath, every heartbeat, every single quiet moment shared between the two sends an ache through her heart that it’s obvious will never heal.  His simple, silence presence makes her heart ache for sweet kisses, caresses…love.

I want you to love me, she begs quietly, her eyes lowered to gaze at her keyboard, back to him as he turns another page.  She lets her tears fall and welcomes the dull ache into her chest, letting it swallow her body completely.  She’s so deep into her feelings of loneliness she doesn’t even notice her body begin to tremble, sniffle, sob.  He looks up from his book.

“Why are you crying?” He breaks the silence, his voice incredulous and she snaps out of it.  The ache retreats from her fingertips, her toes, arms, legs, body and back into her heart where it throbs as a constant reminder of loneliness.  She chokes on her words and she hears him shift on the bed, standing and coming to her side.

“Why are you crying?” His voice is harsh, sharp around the edges and her body trembles out of fear.  He must already know he’s the reason because there’s no other reason for her to sob so violently and without abandon.  For the thought of the times when he was her everything, when she mattered…before she was irrelevant and cast aside like a rag doll.  She longed for him to pick her back up, to smooth out the aches and sew up the tears.

But here she was, sitting here with his breath in her ear demanding to know the reason for her tears.  Demanding to know why on earth she would even be crying.  Why she even had the right to cry at any moment whatsoever.

“Tell me,” he whispers as he rubs her shoulders…presses his body against her back.  His comforting warmth flows from his stomach into her body.  Every single thing about him was perfect.  If it wasn’t for the fact that he didn’t love her.  If it wasn’t for the annoying fact that he never would.  If it wasn’t…

Her heart ached again, deeply, throbbingly as he touched her shoulders, her back, her arms…her throat.  Body shaking beneath his fingertips with an ache that only he could fulfill.  He whispered her name and asked her again.

And She Still Wouldn’t Answer Him.

Vignettes: Ultimatum

You gave me an ultimatum. I did what you wanted.  Quit my job, changed to a different one.  I did absolutely everything you asked.  Then last night when we were laying in bed, you were holding me, kissing my forehead, caressing my cheek gently…telling me how beautiful I am.

I whispered so softly you almost didn’t hear it

“I love you”

and you laughed

“That’s cute.”