So I know I didn’t post my Iron Man 2, Thor, or Captain America: The First Avenger threads here, but my Avengers thread on my Twitter broke so I promised everyone I would have this up tonight. You’ll have to wait a little longer for the other three.
Good morning everyone and to all my new followers. Hello. I am live tweeting The Avengers today. Cause I can’t stop, won’t stop.
I made an ALL NEW Bingo card, so be sure to have it ready during my tweets! Anyone who wins will probably get a free doodle. SOOOO. (Winner is Rae still. She’s the reining champion).
Oh look! This one STARTS with Marvel! In fact, I almost missed it because it literally started right when I started the movie, but caught it on this cool lookin blue fire smoke screen. So that’s cool.
OH. It’s the FUCKING TESSERACT. Anyone else sick of this fucker? Cause I am.
No wait. Paramount is still here. Marvel is just first now.
AND IT IS ALSO IN A FUCKING TESSERACT.
SERIOUSLY CAN Y’ALL CHILL TF OUT.
AUGH I FORGOT THIS MOVIE OPENED WITH THIS FUCKER.
Oh look Loki is alive. I’m not surprised. Dude Thanos’s voice is making me so mad. Like gross. Why.
THEY’RE THE 3 BEST FRIENDS THAT ANYBODY COULD H AVe.
TIL: The tesseract is a she.
Low levels of gamma radiation killed the dinosaurs, Craig.
Man Civil War is gonna be so awkward for me.
Barton: I see better from a distance
Me: yEAH HE DOES.
Clint: Doors open from both sides.
Me: GET THIS MAN A MEDAL HE’S A GENIUS.
HELLO LOKI YOU GIANT ASSHOLE
Wait fuck I looked away for half a second did Loki really just hurt my husband, Clint Barton???
fUCK. He DID.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS.
Loki: I am Loki. Of Asgard. And I am burdened with glorious purpose.
Me: *HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING*
A world free from freedom.
Barton: *shoots fury*
Me: *trying to eat a damn bacon sandwich* *starts CHOKING*
Clint Barton in a fucking car chase is giving me so much life. I get so mad when I think about how they shafted Hawkeye in this series. He’s such a good character and I love him.
Well SHIELD just casually collapsed into a worm hole. That’s fine I guess.
Nick Fury: *jumps out of a flaming helicopter*
Me: what a mAN.
Level 7. Hot diggity dang.
Fury: As of right now…we are at war
Coulson: What do we do?
Me: *HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING*
AND THE MUSIC TOO, Y’ALL. BAAAAMMMBAAABUMMMMMM BA BA BA BA BUM BUM BBABABUAS
This man sure tALKS A LOT.
Lol Agent Coulson.
Natasha: *murdering people*
People: *screaming in pain*
Bruce: You brought me to the edge of the city. Smart. I, uh, assume the whole place is surrounded?
Natasha: Bitch I don’t need a team to beat yo ass.
Nat: We need you to come in.
Banner: What if I say no?
Nat: I’ll persuade you.
Me: yEAH you will.
Nat: Doctor we’re facing a potential global catastrophe
Banner: Now, those I actively dread and avoid
Banner: He needs me in a cage
Nat: No one’s gonna put you in a cage.
Banner: *gets pissed off, hits the table* STOP LYING TO ME.
Banner: I’m sorry. That was mean.
Me: …………………..*heart racing*
Council: The avengers initiative was shut down
Fury: This isn’t about the Avengers
Fury: Is there anything you can tell us about the tesseract that we ought to know now?
Cap: You should’ve left it in the ocean.
Me: Lol burn.
His fucking voice just makes me like dfsgjhdfhdsufihgdfsgdfs
Pepper: You need to do some press. I’ll be in DC tomorr—
Tony: Pepper. You’re killing the moment. Remember: enjoy the moment.
Pepper: Then get in here and I will.
Tony: Give yourself some credit. Stark tower is your baby. Give yourself…12% of the credit.
Pepper: b i t c h
Coulson: Stark we need to talk
Tony: You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark
Coulson: Sup bitch
Tony: Security breach *to Pepper* this is on you
Pepper: PHIIILLL, come in
Tony: Phil??? His first name is agent.
Me: OH MY GOD STOP BEING SO SASSY I CAN’T KEEP PAUSING THIS
Coulson: *tries to hand him something*
Tony: I don’t like…being handed things.
Pepper: That’s fine, I love to be handed things. Let’s trade.
Pepper: *takes file* *gives Coulson champagne* *takes Tony’s champagne, hands him file*
Tony: *fucking BETRAYED*
GOD PEPPER POTTS I LOVE YOU.
Tony: You know, I thought we were having a moment
Pepper: I was having 12% of a moment.
Tony is jealous. And now Pepper is just like openly flirting with Tony in front of Coulson and he’s sO uncomfortable. I love this.
Phil: I mean…I was present….while you were unconscious….from the ice
Me: Phil shut up. ilu. pls stahp.
Phil: I made you clothes
Me: Oh my gOD PHIL.
Look at that. Loki’s back.
Loki: I was a kING. The rightful king of Asgard.
Me: I hate Loki
Me, 5 seconds later: PROTECT MY SON
Me, another 5 seconds later: FUCK YOU LOKI
Lmao Cap just gace Fury $10 that’s fucking hilarious. Help.
Banner: *starts rolling up his sleeves*
Me: *MAKES INHUMAN NOISES* Man I should live stream this shit so y’all can hear the noises I make. Like I literally SCREAM. My neighbors must hate me.
OR D O E S HE??????
Hawkeye: *shooting people with arrows*
Me: I AM IN LOVE.
Loki: It’s the unspoken truth of humanity that you crave subjugation. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel.
Grandpa: Not to men like you
Loki: There are no men like me
Grandpa: There are always men like you.
Can we talk about how this hero from Germany is basically calling Loki Hitler right now for being such a giant fucking asshole?
THEN CAP SAVES HIM FROM BEING EXPLODED!!!!! YES!!!!! THANK YOU!!! VETERANS SAVING VETERANS!!!!!!
Tony: *over coms* Agent Romanoff. Did you miss me?
Me: *placing hand over heart* MY LOVE?
Tony: You are pretty spry for an old guy. What’s your thing…Pilates?
Tony: It’s like calisthenics. You might’ve missed a few things. Doing time as a….capsicle.
Cap: What’s the matter, scared of a little lightning?
Loki: I’m not overly fond of what follows.
but fr fr did Earth just like…not have thunderstorms in the absence of Thor or like?
Thor: Where’s the tesseract
Loki: I missed you too
Thor: BITCH DO I LOOK LIKE I’M PLAYIN
Oh my god this scene is killing me. Y’all don’t even do this to me. BE BROTHERS AND BEST FRIENDS.
Thor: Listen well, brother
Tony: SUP BITCHESSSSS *tackles Thor*
THESE MEN ARE CHILDREN.
Thor: Do not touch me again
Tony: Then don’t take my stuff.
Me: Y’ALL I CAN’T.
Thor: This is beyond you, metal man
Tony: EXCUSE U BITCH
Thor: *throws mew mew*
Tony: …OKAY NOW I’M MAD
Loki: *watching from the cliff* Fuck this shit I’m out
Thor: *is not dead*
Me: Y’all watch Loki
Thor & Tony: ~*~TESTOSTERONE~*~
Me: Y’ALL. WATCH LOKI.
Thor & Tony: *lose Loki*
Loki: *starts insulting Natasha’s husband*
Fury: Well let me know if real power wants a magazine or something.
Cap: An army…from outer space. Goddammit why am I even alive rn.
Bruce: That man’s brain is a BAGE full of cats
Thor: Have care with how you speak. Loki is batshit crazy, but he is of Asgard. And he is my brother.
Natasha: *glances up from filing her nails into daggers* He killed 80 people in like 5 minutes.
Bruce: Why does he need iridium
Tony: *smartest person in room mode* It’s a stabilizing agent.
Me: Oh my god my two husbandos in one room what’s gonna happen~~
I don’t even know what he’s saying. Something about portals not collapsing and shit? No idea. He’s so hot. Help.
Oh my god every woman in this room is so DONE with Tony Stark. Like how many of them are going to roll their eyes while he’s talking and also checking them out.
Tony: How does Fury even see these?
Agent ya g0rl: He turns. Tony: Sounds exhausting.
Me: Why do I love this man he is so mean.
Tony: Am I the only one who did the reading?
Me: Yeah. You nerd.
Bruce: *saying smart things*
Tony: FINALLY. Someone who speaks English.
Cap: *jealous* is that what just happened?
Me @ cap:
Thor: Monkies…I do not understand
Cap: I do!
Tony and Banner are going off to PLAAAYYY
Hehehehe they’re playing with Loki’s magic stick someone stop me oh my god. I swear I’m an adult.
Tony: Come to my house Dr. Banner. Meet my girlfriend. She could also be your girlfriend. It’s fine.
Tony: I promise a stress free environment…no surprises…
Tony: What’s your secret? Bongo drums? Yoga? Huge bag of weed?
Bruce: *giggling like a schoolgirl*
Tony: You’re tip-toeing, big man. You need ta STRUT.
Bruce: I will once 40s over here leaves
Cap: I don’t get that reference.
Cap: The Stark Tower? That big ugly…
Bruce: *compliments the building* ilu
Tony: ilu2 *back to cap* I’m kind of the only name in clean energy right now
Cap: Yeah. And you’re all about style aren’t you?
Tony is so sad and so sassy to Steve because he’s like “My dad loved you more than me, but I’m also smarter and more capable and—” and y’all I am really fucking sad about it.
Tony: That’s the guy my dad never shut up about? Maybe they should’ve kept him on ice.
Bruce: ….oh Tony.
Oh my god they’re so sweet to each other I can’t. Who let me watch this.
Thor feels so much remorse for what happened on earth the last time he was there. And I’m just like…Thor. bby.
Thor: Loki is a prisoner
Fury: Then why do I feel like he’s the only person on this boat that wants to be here?
Me: Y’all ain’t even kNOW
Loki: Not many people can sneak up on me
Nastasha: I had a VERY specific skill set.
Natasha: Agent Barton was sent to kill me…he made a different call…
Loki: I like this. Your world hangs in the balance and you bargain for the life of one man.
Natasha: Ha. Regimes fall every day. I tend not to weep over that. I’m Russian.
Nat: I’ve got red in my ledger. I wanna wipe it out.
Loki: Can you? Can you wipe out that much red? Dracoff’s daughter?
Me: PROTECT THIS WOMAN
Loki: Your Ledger is dripping. It’s gushing with red. And you think you can fix it by saving a man who is no more virtuous than yourself?
Me: OH MY GOD STOP.
Loki: I wont touch Barton. Not until I make him kill you. Slowly. Intimately. In every way he knows you fear.
Me: OH MY GOD DANGER ALERT
Loki: And he’ll wake long enough to see his good work and when he screams I’ll split his skull
Me: ….WHAT EMO BULLSHIT IS THIS
Loki: This is my bargain you mewling quim
Natasha: You’re a m o n s t er *crying*
Loki: Oh no, you brought the monster
Natasha: Thanks for being a dumb bitch
Nicky Fury just blames Thor. And Thor is like oh my god wtf.
Tony is annoyed. Everyone else is annoyed. We’re all annoyed.
NICK FURY JUST CALLED STARK OUT. NOW TONY AND STEVE ARE IN AN ARGUMENT.
Tony: wait how is this about me
Steve: I’m sorry, isn’t everything
Me: OH MY GOD LOKI GOT TO ALL OF U
Cap: Take that off, what are u
Tony: In ur bedroom
Nat: I’m into it.
Cap: You’re not the guy to make a sacrifice play. To lay down on a wire and let the other guy crawl over you.
Me: ………………..bitch do you wanna fight, cause I got 14 movies proving you wrong.
Cap: You may not be a threat. But you better stop pretending to be a hero. Tony: A hero? Like you? You’re a laboratory experiment, Rogers. Everything special about you came out of a bottle.
Me: Now I hate to get in the middle of this, but that’s ALSO not true….
Clint Barton is a fucking crazy ass ho. I love him.
This scene breaks my heart so fucking much because Banner’s like “I TRIED” and Tony is like “OH MY GOD SOMEONE HELP MY BOYFRIEND”
Everyone is just waiting for him to transform during his speech and I’m like y’all leave him alone. Leave my baby alone.
They’re all fighting and I’m like guys save it for Civil War.
Then they get asploded and Cap is like oh fuck Tony put on your suit and Tony is like “SURE THING CAP” and I’m like y’all what the fuck.
Banner and Natasha are in a small space together and I’m like Save my wife, 2k19.
Fucking Barton is a fORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH.
Lol yeah Tony get the suit on.
Loki is fucking pleased with himself like a fucking asshole.
THE AVENGERS THEEEEME.
Cap and Tony working together like the best bros who I love and they’re the best.
See what happens when y’all don’t fight??? SEE WHAT YOU ACCOMPLISH????
Tony: What’s it look like in there?
Cap: It seems to run on some type of electricity
Tony: well…you’re not wrong.
If Hulk could just like NOT destroy everything that would be great.
Thor vs Hulk. Ultimate cage match.
Tony and Cap being science bros.
WHERE ARE YOU MEW MEW 2K19
Hulk just hops on a jet like time to die I guess.
Tony and Cap are trying to fix one part of the ship while the Hulk just rips everything else apart.
LMAO CAP YOU CAN’T JUST PLAY PING PONG WITH GRENADES. YOU DUMBASS.
Oh my god Hawkeye is the fucking bEST
SAVE CAPTAIN AMERICA OH MY GOD.
Loki just tricks Thor. Ok. HE ALWAYS FALLS FOR THIS. I HAVE NO SYMPATHY FOR YOU, THOR.
Agent Coulson you absolute prince.
Thor and Banner are plummeting down to earth now so I guess that’s happening.
Now Natasha and Clint are pulling each other’s hair. Lol punch that bitch.
I love the Mew Mew sounds. Like she’s so mad at Thor for being such a dumb bitch.
Coulson: You’re going to lose.
Loki: Am I?
Coulson: It’s in your nature.
Loki: Where is my disadvantage?
Tony: PULL THE LEVER CAP
Cap: I can’t….I can’t pull the lever
Tony: CAAAPPPPP *getting tossed around like a rag doll*
Cap: I’M WORKING ON IT
Tony: FUCK MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIFE
They’re both ok tho.
Fury: Coulson is dead.
Me: I TOLD Y’ALL.
Fury making his sons feel rEAL bad right now. Do it to ’em.
Guard: Big and green and buck ass nude
Me: Sounds like my kinda man.
Guard, calmly: You an alien?
Guard: You an alien? From outer space?
Guard: Well, son. You got a condition.
Clint: Do you know what it’s like to be unmade?
Nat: You know that I do.
Me: Oh my gOD
What is with Clint and eye sockets.
Steve: Was he married.
Me: yES HE WAS TO ME
Cap: Is this the first time you’ve lost a soldier?
Cap & Tony working together
Being real gay
And lookin real hot
HEEEEE. Cap telling Hawkboi to suit up is my AESTHETIC.
MY BABIESSSSS AVENGINGGGGG
Agent: You’re not authorized to be here
TONY YOU CAN’T JUST BLAST EVERYTHING. OH MY GOD.
Loki: *flirting* Please tell me you’re going to appeal to my humanity.
Tony: uhhhhhh *not falling for his bullshit* actually I’m going to threaten you.
Loki: Oh boo. You should have kept your armor on for that.
Tony: Eh. It’s seen a bit of mileage and you’ve got the uh…glow stick of destiny.
Tom Hiddleston: *trying not to laugh*
Tony: *flirting* Would you like a drink?
Loki: *smirks* Stalling me won’t change anything.
Tony: No, no, no. Threatening. No drink, u sure? I’m having one.
Loki: Who tf is this man
Tony: *talking shit* You managed to piss off everyone.
Loki: That was the plan.
Tony: Not a great plan, you dumb bitch. They’re coming 4 u.
Loki: *clicks tongue* I have an army
Tony: Bitch, we have a hULK
This entire movie is Loki’s audition tape for America’s Next Top Model.
Tony: If we can’t protect the Earth, you can be damn well sure we’ll avenge it.
Loki: I ain’t scurred, bitch.
Tony: And there’s one other person you pissed off. His name is Phil.
Tony: *shoots him*
Me: LMAOOO do it to ’em, babe.
Thor: LOKI. TURN OFF THE TESSERACT. OR I WILL DESTROY IT.
Loki: YOU CAN’T JUST DESTROY EVERYTHING U ASSHOLE.
Anybody know where Pepper is? Is she still in DC? How long has it been?
I’m so gay for Hawkeye oh my god.
Nat: Just like Budapest all over again.
Clint: Bitch wtf. You and I remember Budapest VERY differently.
Cap: *hops on a car* I GOT ORDERS MEN
Cop: Why should I take orders from u?
Cap: We got Stark up top he’s gonna need us to…
Bruce: This all seems horrible.
Nat: *checking him out* I’ve seen worse, babe.
Stark: I’m bringing the party to you.
YASSSS AVENGERS THEMEEEEEEEEE
Me: WHY AM I WATCHING THIS MOVIE IT HAS BEEN 5 HOURS.
Hill: Sir. The council is on.
Fury: fuCK the council.
I’m so mad y’all.
Tony: What else you got?
Clint: Well, Thor’s taking down a squadron down on 6th
Tony: And he didn’t…invite mE.
Steve: If you wanna get up there you’re gonna need a ride
Nat: I got a ride. Could use a boost tho.
Bruce: *punches Thor*
Me: lMAO. Same.
Craig woke up and now he’s like o goddammit why did I do this.
Craig @ Craig:
Hulk @ Loki:
Craig comes thru. Get that scepter, babe.
Jarvis: Sir we will use power before we penetrate that shell
Hawkeye just ran out of arrows and he’s like “TIME TO PUNCH A BITCH” GOD HE’S SO COOL. CLINT BARTON IS SO COOL.
Lmao Fury just shoots a jet with a grenade launcher. Fucking badass.
They’re just gonna nUKE NEW YORK. OH MY GOD. PETER PARKER LIVES THERE YOU CAN’T dO THIS.
ANTHONY EDWARD STARK YOU BETTER NOT DIE ON ME.
(i say. like i haven’t seen every fucking marvel movie including this one.)
Tony: *COMES BACK TO LIFE*
Me: THAT WAS TRUE LOVE’S KISS I’M CALLING IT
Tony: Please tell me nobody kissed me
Tony: LEt’s just not come in tomorrow. Let’s just take a day. You ever tried shawarma? There’s a shawarma place a few blocks from here. I don’t know what it is but I wanna try it.
Me: tONY OHMYGOD
Avengers @ Loki:
Loki: *flirting* If it’s all the same to you…I’ll have that drink now.
Tony: OFFER’S NOT ON THE TABLE ANYMORE BETCH
Lmao people getting facial hair like Tony Stark. Oh my god.
They just let Thor take the tesseract like a fucking fucker.
Council: Was that the point of all this? A statement?
Fury: *laughs* No bitch. It’s a promise.
The Avengers theme is so fucKING GOOD.
That concludes my 7 hour long live-tweet of The Avengers. Thank you. I cannot believe it took me this long to tweet all of this.