Long Time No Talk

As many of you know, 2020 was a really difficult year. Like, it’s been nearly a year since I posted a new blog and I used to write a lot more on here about writing and writing tips and book reviews, but that just got to be too hard.

I read a lot of books last year, but I didn’t write any reviews. I didn’t really have the time to do that because I was so overwhelmed with everything going on and it’s hard to have the head space to do things when you feel so stressed all the time.

I changed a lot last year too. My priorities, my writing, my writing style, even my friend group changed. I grew in 2020 in a way I never thought I could again.

I’m a year older now and I’ve lived through a lot of bullshit.

My writing style and writing had a massive upgrade this year which, in the end, sort of frustrated me because I was working on several projects at once that I can no longer look at without cringing.

I’ve been fighting the change ever since. I keep trying to force myself to write the way I used to because it was so sarcastic and limited and carefree, but I keep delving deeper and creating stories where they don’t need to be.

I sort of stopped updating all of my fanfiction around June and deleted everything off of my AO3 account (much to the eternal annoyance of my fans) and I’ve slowly started reuploading it again, but it feels different. Like I’m constantly disappointed by my work.

So, blogging fell by the wayside. Most things fell by the wayside.

I haven’t really been active on social media. I created a discord server that’s kept me pretty busy and I completely stopped updating Rhinoverse. And maybe it’s because I spent the latter half of 2020 in a deep, deep depression, but it Feels BAD, man.

I don’t usually do New Year’s resolutions, but if 2020 taught me anything it’s that I need to do better and be better. I’ve spent 2017-2020 healing from the mess my life was in the past and trying to take stock of everything that’s wrong with me.

I want 2021 to be the year I finally own my problems and push forward regardless.

I know this blog has been pretty rambly, but I sort of had a lot to say after being gone for so long. I’ll follow this one up with a top 20 books of 2020 post. It won’t be as comprehensive as my last ones, but I don’t have the energy to write something long or detailed.

I’m sure the whole lot of you understand. Happy 2021. Be better.

i can’t without you

I’m laying here awake
Naked
Skin soft and supple
Lips wet
Fingers on your chest
Cheek against your shoulder
Ripe
Sweet
Open
And you’re checking your phone
For things that will never be
While I’m here next to you
Ready to be plucked from the stem
Heart racing
Heated
And pleading
But you
You’re too far gone
No matter how many nights you hold me
Beg me not to go
Smooth my hair over my shoulders
Kiss my forehead
Placate my whimpering trembling body
You’re never you
Not anymore
You’re just a shell
Hunched over your phone
Next to the
Sweetest fruit you’d ever eat
Escaping to the things that bitterness is made of
Just to pretend to feel whole again
Like you never will
Without me. 

miracles

I’m standing here
bathed in the light from the hallway
still waiting for you to come back
to say thank you
to love me again like you used to
but deep down I know you’re never coming back
because you’re angry and I’m angry too
because I hate you and you hate me too
because there’s nothing we could’ve done
but just waited for each other
and you’ve moved on
but I’m still stuck here
like a ghost
loving you
and you’re out there searching for other things
and still missing the point
of someone so devoted they would stand here
door open, hands at their sides
waiting for a miracle
but maybe miracles don’t exist
outside of fairy tales. 

convenience

Enveloped in your arms
cheek pressed to the soft flesh of your chest
listening to your words come softly
the words that tell me
“this isn’t love”
then what is it?
What are these caresses
declarations
sexual encounters
“convenience”?
And I’m used up
bitter and cut off from the world
because I love you more than anything
because I dared to love someone like you
more than life itself
and my reward
is forever remembering you 

5 years in 5 months

She awoke with a fragile heart, lashes fluttering in the darkness, bleary and still sleep-eyed.  Her chest felt hollow, broken, and fragile in so many ways.  Her tongue dry, throat raw, eyes burning with the sting of so many tears.  She slid out of the bed, placing her feet on the hardwood floor, swaying some before catching her balance.

Her body felt heavy, as if she were covered with a lead apron as she walked to her bedroom door.  Everything around her seemed to move slowly and almost backward.  If only time really could move backwards.

Her heart throbbed in her chest, broken.  A constant reminder of the night’s events.  A reminder that she would rather be dead then opening her bedroom door and heading to the bathroom to begin her normal morning routine.  Nothing felt normal anymore.  It all felt as if it were upside down, as if she were walking on the ceiling, weighted to it by agony and despair.

She opened the shower curtain, turning the water on and trying to ignore the burning, aching feeling in her chest.  She had so much to do today, so many things that she didn’t even want to start.  Work, school, volunteer work, meetings, friends…friends.  Her heart ached in her chest and tears sprung in her eyes.  She clutched at the fabric of her shirt and whimpered.

Friends.  The word played in her head as a harsh whisper, over and over again.  Her heart pounded and bile rose up in her throat, constricting, choking.

Five months had passed.  Five whole months and she still held onto the idea, the fantasy, the lies he fed her.  Since June she had thought they were still in love.  Truly, madly, deeply because that was how he lead her.  But by September she knew that love wasn’t real.  Five years of love still inhabited her heart, pouring out in beautiful words and promises that he ignored.

Yet, he still lied to her until September.  He still used her, manipulated her into being so broken she went to someone unlikely for comfort, companionship, friendship.  And she found it in one night of desperation.  A 41 minute phone call full of tears and hiccups and apologies.

But she still loved him, without conditions and freely.  His lies, manipulations, and broken promises didn’t change what was in her heart as much as she needed it to.  How could she possibly love someone who lied, cheated and left her broken in so many different ways.  Apparently, just to make her happy and keep her begging, loneliness and childishness at bay.  Hidden behind his comfort and humanity.

“I was just doing you a favor,” he whispers, so harsh he’s almost spitting it, “I don’t love you.”

And she falls again, cutting deep and broken standing beneath the hot water of she shower.  She tries to shake the feeling, rising in her stomach, her chest, from her lips, but it escapes in five damned words.

“I will always love you.”

Perfection: A Twilight fanfiction

Perfection

Summary:Edward leaves Bella in search of something a little more real. BellaxEdward, Edwardx?, Hints at JacobxRenesmee

Notes:The answer to your question is no, darling. I am not a Twilight fan.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

He loved her with all that he was and she loved him, but if love had taught them anything…it isn’t always enough. They stood in the woods, their woods face to face. Her eyes were brimming with bloody tears, his own eyes dry as he gazed down at her.

“I changed everything for you,” she sobbed, “I gave up who I was…for you” He knew this was true, she had married him, she had changed into a vampire for him, and she had almost lost her life to give him his daughter. Bella had done so much for him it was almost disgusting.

“I know,” he told her, “I’m sorry.” It was all he had to offer, a simple apology. He couldn’t put up with her anymore. Not her whining, her paranoia, her constant presence was sending him over the edge.

“I thought you loved me,” she hissed, bloody tears pouring down her face as she sobbed wildly, hands clutching at the fabric of her shirt. He watched as it ripped like paper in her hands.

“I do,” he whispered, “Bella, I do love you.” It was the truth, he loved her with all of his heart, all of his soul…but he wasn’t sure if they would last. They were too different, she was too clingy, too whiny, too jealous. He was too logical, too distant.

“Then why are you doing this?” She screamed, grabbing at her shirt again. He watched as the rest of the fabric tore, falling to her feet in tiny shreds. He sighed, eyes falling on her perfect body. She had supple breasts with a flat stomach and a graceful neck. Her arms and legs were both thin yet muscular. In essence, Bella was beautiful, heck even her name suggested beauty. But Edward had had enough of all this perfection. He wanted something real, something alive, breathing. He needed something human.

“Sometimes love isn’t enough,” he responded, sparing her the details of exactly why he didn’t want to be with her anymore. She was simply, too perfect for him.

“What about our daughter?” She asked desperately, “Don’t you care about her?”

“Of course I care about Renesmee,” he told her, inwardly wincing at how stupid the name Bella had chosen for their daughter really was. He wished she had just named her Carlie at least that was easy to spell.

“Why are you doing this?” She asked again and Edward sighed, choosing not to answer this time. He turned away from her and sprinted away. Bella stared after him, a gust of wind blowing her hair into her face. Her mouth hung open in surprise, stone cold hands trembling on either side of her. She could feel the familiar ache in her chest, a hole where her already non-existent heart used to be.

Edward had left her again.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Continue…?

As We Know It: A Sonny With a Chance Oneshot inspired by Knowing

I SWEAR I’M GOING TO UPDATE SOMETHING. But I had to write this because I was talking to Cayce (MyJonasSensesAreTingling3) while my brain was melting through my ears while I was watching Knowing. THAT MOVIE IS SO FREAKING SCARY. And good. but SCARY.

So enjoy this. I don’t own Sonny With a Chance, but I wish I wrote for that show. It’d be SICK.

As We Know It

. . . . . . . . . .

It was the end of the world as she knew it. But that was what she thought every time she saw Chad Dylan Cooper making his way over to where she sat. His eyes locked with hers and she immediately stared down at her tray of very unappetizing food. She couldn’t decide which she hated looking at more. Chad’s crooked smirk or the mystery meat the lunch lady had slung onto her plate. She decided the mystery meat would be the best thing to stare at. It didn’t make her heart feel like it was going to explode or make goosebumps appear on her skin.

“Hey, Sonny,” Chad said, the smirk still on his face as he pulled a chair from her table, turning the seat towards him and straddling it. Sonny swallowed and looked up at him. It was banter time, but she couldn’t think of anything to say.

“Chad,” she remarked, eyes narrowing. He tossed his hair and smirked again. She stared at the creases the smirk left on his face. When he got older those would be laugh lines. Sonny found that charming. She held back a dreamy sigh, keeping her eyes narrowed in his direction as she pulled out her cell phone, pretending to be preoccupied with the device when really she just needed some time to think of something clever. “What do you want, Chad?” She asked after a long moment.

“I was thinking,” Chad said, pausing to look at her before opening his mouth to continue-

“Chad Dylan Cooper thinks,” She said, her face displaying amusement, “and all this time I thought you-“

“Anyways,” Chad interrupted, Sonny smirked at him, “I watched this movie last night-“

“Chad, I don’t want to hear another story about how you starred in all those stupid movies when-“

“Would you just let me finish?” Chad barked, clearly annoyed with Sonny’s interruptions. Sonny tilted her head to the side on confusion.

“You’re really trying to be serious here, aren’t you, Chad?” She asked, a little shocked. Chad nodded, but otherwise ignored her question.

“I was watching this movie called Knowing…” he said, trailing off, Sonny watched him intently, eyes locking with his, “and I got to thinking about the end of the world.”

“Oh,” Sonny responded, waiting for him to continue. This conversation sounded really heavy. She wondered why he was having it with her.

“If you only had three hours to live,” Chad said, staring her directly in her eyes, “What would you do?” Sonny stared at him, suppressing the urge to let her jaw drop. She searched his eyes for any hint of a joke, but there was none.

“You serious?” She asked, wanting to be absolutely positive. He nodded. Sonny shook her head, “Tell me what you would do first.” He leaned back, dropping his hands to his side and he let loose an exasperated sigh.

“I asked first,” He said, crossing his arms.

“I asked second.”

“Why wont you just tell me?” He asked, leaning forward and resting his arms on the top of the chair, “are you afraid?” Sonny narrowed her eyes at him.

“I’m not afraid,” she said, crossing her arms and leaning back in her chair.

“Really Sonny?” He asked, “Really?” She felt her heartbeat quicken. She loved it when he said that, she didn’t understand why.

“Really, Chad,” She responded.

“Then tell me,” he said, scooting his chair closer to hers. Probably for dramatic effect or to intimidate her, but all it was doing was making feelings she never knew she had-well, she knew she had them, but admitting those feelings to herself was a whole other story-rise up inside of her along with the familiar sensation of butterflies. She almost lost it when his bare arm brushed against hers. Why wasn’t he wearing a jacket today? Or at least a long sleeved shirt.

“You look different,” she said, trying to both change the subject and take her mind off of his close proximity. Chad would have none of it.

“Answer my question, Sonny,” he said.

“Why is it so important?” She asked.

“It just is,” he told her.

“Maybe I don’t have an answer,” she said, “maybe I don’t know.” Truth was she did know, but she didn’t want to admit it. Not to herself, not to Tawny-who seemed to believe it anyway-, not to her best friend, Lucy, and definitely not to Chad Dylan Cooper.

“Oh, you have an answer,” He responded smugly. Stupid smug.

“How do you know?” She asked, sticking her tongue out at him.

“Because I know you, Sonny,” He said. There he was locking his eyes with hers and giving her some intense stare. The whole room seemed to shift around them. It was like the air was being sucked out and everyone around them disappeared. Like they were the only two people in there.

“Is it just me or is there no oxygen in here?” Sonny asked, laughing nervously. Stupid brain. Chad tilted his head to the side and broke his gaze from hers.

“What?” He asked. The room rushed back and Sonny felt like she was going to be sick. This was the reason she didn’t ride roller coasters.

“What?” She asked, laughing nervously again and staring down at her cell phone, “I didn’t say anything.”

“You still haven’t answered my question.” They were back on that again? Sonny picked up her phone and checked the time. According to her phone, it was time to get the heck out of there before she made some sort of…confession.

“Would’ya look at the time?” She asked, standing up and grabbing her bag, “Time for me to go.” Chad stood up too.

“You don’t have anywhere else to be, Sonny,” he said just as she had started to walk away from him. She stopped, tensing at his voice. He was right. She wasn’t shooting today and rehearsal didn’t start for another few hours.

“And how would you know that, Chad,” She asked, turning around to face him once she had regained her composure. He held up his cell phone.

“Twitter,” he said, smirking at the phone. Sonny cursed under her breath and growled. Stupid addicting social network.

“Whatever,” Sonny said, “I’d tell all my friends and family I loved them. Happy?” Chad stared at her long and hard. There went the people around them again. She wished he’d stop doing that.

“Is that all?” He asked, obviously pushing for something more. What did he want her to say? What was he trying to get her to admit.

“That’s all,” she said, walking back towards him and poking a finger into his chest, trying to be brave even though on the inside she was fighting butterflies and goosebumps. “Now tell me what you would do.” He smirked down at her and for the first time she noticed just how close she had gotten. There went her breath.

“That’s easy,” he said, leaning down closer to her, his eyes dancing with amusement. She hoped she didn’t look too terrified. He reached up and grabbed her hand, placing it flat against his chest, right over his heart and he smiled at her. Not that smirking smile she was used to, but a true knee-weakening smile that only Chad Dylan Cooper could give. She shivered when he ran his fingers along her arm.

“Wh-what’s easy?” She asked, concentrating on breathing so she wouldn’t pass out. When did this moment get so intense?

“My answer,” he said, slinking one arm around her waist while cupping her face in the other. Sonny struggled to keep herself upright.

“What’s that?” She asked him, her voice coming out in a whisper as she stared at his lips. She wondered how many girl’s he’d done this kind of thing to before her. She tried not to think about it. Right now was her moment and she wa-wait…when did she even decide she wanted this? He moved closer to her, his lips almost touching hers. She could feel his breath and she swallowed hard.

“I’d…” he trailed off, a smirk playing on his lips, “tell you…” He trailed off again and she parted her lips.

“Uh huh?” She asked, her mind slowly shutting down with him standing so close to her.

“That you have,” he continued, staring down at her lips, “spinach in your teeth.” The moment came to a screeching halt and Sonny pulled away from him.

“What?” She asked, intelligence rushing back. Everyone in the lunch room looked both shocked and amused.

“Gotcha,” Chad said, winking at her and walking over to where his McKenzie Falls co-stars were sniggering. Sonny stood there for a few minutes, dumbfounded and completely embarrassed. And to think, she almost admitted that if she only had three hours to live, she would finally tell him how she really felt; his acting sucked.

. . . . . . . . . . .

This seems really strange. This is like my first SWAC fanfiction, sorry that it totally fails. Haa. And the ending kinda sucks! D: Waaah. I’m sorry I didn’t do better!

R&R