Long Time No Talk

As many of you know, 2020 was a really difficult year. Like, it’s been nearly a year since I posted a new blog and I used to write a lot more on here about writing and writing tips and book reviews, but that just got to be too hard.

I read a lot of books last year, but I didn’t write any reviews. I didn’t really have the time to do that because I was so overwhelmed with everything going on and it’s hard to have the head space to do things when you feel so stressed all the time.

I changed a lot last year too. My priorities, my writing, my writing style, even my friend group changed. I grew in 2020 in a way I never thought I could again.

I’m a year older now and I’ve lived through a lot of bullshit.

My writing style and writing had a massive upgrade this year which, in the end, sort of frustrated me because I was working on several projects at once that I can no longer look at without cringing.

I’ve been fighting the change ever since. I keep trying to force myself to write the way I used to because it was so sarcastic and limited and carefree, but I keep delving deeper and creating stories where they don’t need to be.

I sort of stopped updating all of my fanfiction around June and deleted everything off of my AO3 account (much to the eternal annoyance of my fans) and I’ve slowly started reuploading it again, but it feels different. Like I’m constantly disappointed by my work.

So, blogging fell by the wayside. Most things fell by the wayside.

I haven’t really been active on social media. I created a discord server that’s kept me pretty busy and I completely stopped updating Rhinoverse. And maybe it’s because I spent the latter half of 2020 in a deep, deep depression, but it Feels BAD, man.

I don’t usually do New Year’s resolutions, but if 2020 taught me anything it’s that I need to do better and be better. I’ve spent 2017-2020 healing from the mess my life was in the past and trying to take stock of everything that’s wrong with me.

I want 2021 to be the year I finally own my problems and push forward regardless.

I know this blog has been pretty rambly, but I sort of had a lot to say after being gone for so long. I’ll follow this one up with a top 20 books of 2020 post. It won’t be as comprehensive as my last ones, but I don’t have the energy to write something long or detailed.

I’m sure the whole lot of you understand. Happy 2021. Be better.

Poetry: Mediocrity

There is no escape from mediocrity 
Look around, see the world for what it is
It’s eroded, broken, filled with doubt
Yet, there is always someone there
in the distance, smiling
But, in the end it’s empty; Absolute.
nothingness

Look! Look and see
Time it ebbs and it flows
And history is just a repeat of a repeat of a repeat
Regardless of knowledge, regardless of intellect 
The pattern goes, goesgoes
forever.

It’s never-ending,
time 
Is a never-ending thing
but you
Are not infinite
In ignorance, this is an absolute
forgotten
By the passage of time
Where we believe ourselves immortal
immune
                     &
unbreakable.

But see
We; you & me, are nothing more than
specks 
Us; we, are less than insignificant
less than nothing.

There are no marks, 
No legacies left
        to leave behind 
And yet
Life continues on
Its ignorance unopposed
And there are people still glad,
Still happy every single day to be 
What they consider:
 alive.

Are they; them & I living the same life
Are we part of the same existence?
Because all life does to me
Is it makes me feel as though I have failed
That, instead of being unborn, 
Instead of being nothing
I have been made to live
    & suffer
a life of mediocrity

I am not resigned to pretending
That there is something more than this
More than looking up and realizing
One day I will die
and leave behind nothing.
No matter how much I live
No matter how much time I am allotted 
by life, by god, by powers beyond comprehension
I; me & myself
Am no more, than insignificant.