It was breathtaking, the silence between us. The way he looked at me,
brown eyes searching for something familiar in my eyes. He wanted to
know that I still felt the same. He wanted to make sure that being there
with me was okay. I didn’t know what I should reflect in my eyes. I was
finding it hard to breathe. The way he looked at me was suffocating.
could hear distant explosions in the sky; fireworks. I broke his gaze
and looked up. I heard him shift next to me and sigh. He must think I’m
over it. That I don’t feel the same. He must think I’m through waiting
for him. I feel him grab my hand, but I don’t look down again. I’m too
busy looking at the rainbow of explosions in the sky. I don’t know how
to tell him I’m still waiting.
I can’t even see the stars tonight,
the fireworks are overshadowing them. Explosions of fire and gas that
are closer than the stars twinkling beyond this world. He squeezes my
hand tight, but I still don’t look down. The fireworks have captured my
gaze. I sat there on the blanket next to him, hypnotized by the beauty
of the explosions. I don’t think he knows how I feel.
His touch shoots electricity through my body as he moves closer, and I feel my heart race, confused by the sudden, unwelcome,
feeling. I try to keep myself composed, but in the darkness my cool
expression falters and it takes all I have not to look at him. I don’t
know how to tell him how I feel. The words don’t come. There really
aren’t words to describe this.
More fireworks go off. I hear all
the familiar noises. The siren sound of the ascent, the explosion and
the shower of sparks that fall back to the earth, but I’m not really
watching anymore. I’m just feeling now. My heart races, my body tingles,
his breath against my face. He’s still watching, waiting for his
I’m not ready to see him yet. I’m not ready to feel the
familiar ache in my heart. The ache I feel when I want him to hold me.
When I’m dying to feel his arms around me. I don’t think he knows that I
cry at night, my body shaking, waiting for him. He doesn’t know that
I’m still waiting.
His eyes are still glued to my face, his breath
hitting against my cheek in waves. I imagine the ocean, the sound of
the waves hitting the shore. He’s my ocean and I’m waiting for him to
pull me under. I want to drown in this sea. I’m not ready to see him
He says my name softly, practically begging for my attention.
I bite my lip, trying to focus on the fireworks and not drowning in
this ocean of pain and suffering and maybe even love. I don’t know why
I’m still waiting for something I never thought would happen. Maybe this
is a dream. Maybe after tonight I’ll wake up and I wont see him ever
That’s a chance I’m willing to take as I turn to meet his
eyes. They’re full of the love I always imagined that he had for me. The
sort of feelings I only thought he felt for me in my dreams. I’m hit by
a wave of emotions. I’m still struggling to breathe, drowning in the
middle of this sea.
He catches sight of my eyes, watching them
with curiosity, probing for the answers I would never be able to tell
him with my words. I wanted him to kiss me, to smother me with his lips,
to crush all the air out of my body until all I could feel was him on
top of me. I wanted it so bad I could almost taste his mouth. I don’t
think he knew.
The fireworks were winding down. The explosions
were getting farther apart as the people setting them off ran out. I
felt a sense of urgency. Was time running out for us too? I stared at
him intently, not sure what he was reading in my eyes, but I hoped he
knew what I wanted.
His eyes lingered on mine for only a few
moments more before settling on my lips, asking his silent question. The
one I had already said yes to. Did he even have to ask? He should know
by now that he makes my heart race, he crushes the air out of my lungs,
he makes it impossible for me to feel normal. He should know by now that
I’m completely, totally, irrevocably in love with him. Nothing could
change that. Not even the years of heartbreak I had to endure to get to
He leans forward as more fireworks go off overhead and
I stop breathing, waiting for him to claim my lips, to make me slip
away into this ocean. More fireworks go off while I’m waiting, my eyes
slipping closed, my lips parting slightly. I can feel my heart aching.
I’ve waited so long for this moment.
It seemed like forever before
he was finally there, kissing me softly, crushing the rest of the air
out of my lungs. I try not to sob as he takes my face into his hands,
his whole body pressing against mine. I need this, I’ve wanted this for
so long. I can feel the sting of tears and I pull away, my eyes
watering. He stares at me, his brown eyes questioning as the tears fall.
tells me he’s sorry, he tells me he didn’t mean it. He doesn’t know
that’s not what I want to hear. He thinks he did something wrong. He
wants to fix it. He wants to be friends. I don’t want any of that. He
begs me to forgive him, but I don’t know if I can. What he’s apologizing
for isn’t want I’m crying about.
I tell him I’m happy, I tell him
to stop saying he’s sorry for the things he did right. He looks
confused, but I don’t want to explain it anymore. I wipe away my tears
and I kiss him, long and hard. He kisses me back, cradling my face,
caressing my neck, fingers trailing down my shoulders.
I feel like
my heart is going to stop beating, like I’m going to die right here in
his arms. And I think, that if I did I would be happy. If I died here
with his lips against mine and the fireworks dying overhead, I wouldn’t
regret one moment.
I’m not even afraid.