Long Time No Talk

As many of you know, 2020 was a really difficult year. Like, it’s been nearly a year since I posted a new blog and I used to write a lot more on here about writing and writing tips and book reviews, but that just got to be too hard.

I read a lot of books last year, but I didn’t write any reviews. I didn’t really have the time to do that because I was so overwhelmed with everything going on and it’s hard to have the head space to do things when you feel so stressed all the time.

I changed a lot last year too. My priorities, my writing, my writing style, even my friend group changed. I grew in 2020 in a way I never thought I could again.

I’m a year older now and I’ve lived through a lot of bullshit.

My writing style and writing had a massive upgrade this year which, in the end, sort of frustrated me because I was working on several projects at once that I can no longer look at without cringing.

I’ve been fighting the change ever since. I keep trying to force myself to write the way I used to because it was so sarcastic and limited and carefree, but I keep delving deeper and creating stories where they don’t need to be.

I sort of stopped updating all of my fanfiction around June and deleted everything off of my AO3 account (much to the eternal annoyance of my fans) and I’ve slowly started reuploading it again, but it feels different. Like I’m constantly disappointed by my work.

So, blogging fell by the wayside. Most things fell by the wayside.

I haven’t really been active on social media. I created a discord server that’s kept me pretty busy and I completely stopped updating Rhinoverse. And maybe it’s because I spent the latter half of 2020 in a deep, deep depression, but it Feels BAD, man.

I don’t usually do New Year’s resolutions, but if 2020 taught me anything it’s that I need to do better and be better. I’ve spent 2017-2020 healing from the mess my life was in the past and trying to take stock of everything that’s wrong with me.

I want 2021 to be the year I finally own my problems and push forward regardless.

I know this blog has been pretty rambly, but I sort of had a lot to say after being gone for so long. I’ll follow this one up with a top 20 books of 2020 post. It won’t be as comprehensive as my last ones, but I don’t have the energy to write something long or detailed.

I’m sure the whole lot of you understand. Happy 2021. Be better.

i’m the selfish one

Admit it
it’s euphoric to see me this way:
lips chapped
nose red
mouth agape
throat so raw
air feels like sandpaper
in my lungs

it brings you happiness
to see me grovel
beg, long
for your affection

Please, please, please
don’t leave me

but…
you do

&
it fills you with joy
to know that you’ve created a void
an ache in my chest bigger than
the one I caused you

you keep biting at me
insults through letters and words
but I sit here &
wait…
just to be close to you

but…
I’m nothing to you or anyone else
I’m here
bro
ken
& you love it

but I’m the selfish one
so hurt me
because you don’t deserve me

maybe one day I’ll wake up
after everything you’ve done to erase me
and realize I deserve better

but for now
I’m begging with chapped lips
and a sandpaper throat:

don’t go. 

Introspection: Labor

You act like you’re the only person in the world who has ever been stressed or… inconvenienced.
But you don’t even see the people practically detonating all around you.
Your tiny amount of stress
is almost

                                                                                   Laughable.

Flash Fiction: Cadence

My entire mouth tastes like coffee on the inside.  I haven’t had coffee in probably 3 months.  But every 8 minutes for 6 to 8 hours straight I have to brew coffee.  Over and over and over again.  I can do it in my sleep now.

1. Reset Timer
2. Scoop
3. Grind
4. Prepare
5. Brew

Repeat

                       repeat

                                          repeat