How I’ve changed: Over the Decade

Stayed single almost the whole year?
2009: No, been in a relationship for a year!
2019: Yup.

Were involved In something you’ll never forget?
2009: Dude yeah.
2019: Non, je ne regrette rien.

Tripped over a coffee table?
2009: Lol yes.
2019: Don’t have a coffee table.

Dyed your hair?
2009: Yes.
2019: No, actually.

Came close to losing your life?
2009: :/
2019: No.

Saw one of your favorite bands/artists live?
2009: No
2019: No.

2009/2019: FRIENDS & ENEMIES…

Did you meet any new friends this year?
2009: Sure!
2019: A few.

Did you hate anyone?
2009/2019: Yes.

Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
2009: NYes
2019: Non, je ne regrette rien.

Did you miss any friends?
2009: Yes
2019: No.

2018: YOUR BIRTHDAY…

Did you have a cake?
2009: No
2019: Nope, pie.

Did you have a party?
2009: No.
2019: No.

Did you get any presents?
2009: No.
2019: I did!

2009/2019: ALL ABOUT YOU…

Did you change at all this year?
2009: No
2019: I am literally a completely different person than I was.

Were you in school?
2009: No.
2019: No.

Did you own a car?
2009: No.
2019: Yes.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
2009: Yes!
2019: Again, yes.  

Did you go on any vacations?
2009: No
2019: Yes?

2009/2019: WRAP UP…

Was 2018 a good year?
2009: I think so.
2019: No? But also yes? It was just hard.

Do you think 2020 will top 2019?
We’ll see?

Do you think 2009 will top 2008?
Yes. And it did!

IN THE YEAR 2009/2019 I CONFESS THAT I…

Kissed in the snow?
2009: Naawww
2019: No.

Done something you’ve regretted?
2009: Yeaaa
2019: No.

Painted a picture?
2009: Lol sure.
2019: No.

Wrote a poem?
2009: Yes.
2019: Yes.

Ran a mile?
2009: No
2019: No, but I’ve walked several.

Visited a foreign country?
2009: No
2019: Does Canada count?

Cut in a line of waiting people?
2009: No.
2019: UHHH…Maybe at BART?

IN 2009/2019 I…

Broke a promise?
2009: Yes
2019: No.

Lied?
2009: Yes
2019: Yes.

Disappointed someone close?
2009: I’ve always been a disappointment to my parents!
2019: Sure have.

Had a secret?
2009/2019: Yes.

Pretended to be happy?
2009/2019: Yes.

Slept under the stars?
2009: Yes
2019: No

Kept your new year’s resolution?
2009/2019: I don’t make those.

Forgot your new year’s resolution?
2009/2019: Don’t make them.

Met someone who changed your life?
2009/2019: Yes.

Changed your outlook on life?
2009: No.
2019: Yeah.

Sat home all day doing nothing?
2009/2019: Yeah, for a little while, I think.

Learned something new about yourself?
2009/2019: Yup.

Met great people?
2009/2019: YEAH!

Kissed someone that means a lot to you?
2009/2019: No.

Stayed up till sunrise?
2009: Plenty of long nights.
2019: I actually haven’t.

Cried over the silliest thing?
2009: Yes.
2019: No, nothing worth crying over is ever silly.

Had friends who were drifting away from you?
2009/2019: Always.  It’s part of growing up.

Had a high cell phone bill?
2009/2019: Nah.

Spent most of your money on food?
2009: No
2019: Yeaaah.

Had a fist fight?
2009/2019: Nah.

Gotten sick?
2009/2019: Yeah.

Liked more than 5 people at the same time?
2009/2019: Big no.

Became closer with a lot of people?
2009: Yeah!
2019: Nah.

Song that reminds you of summer 2019?
Sucker – Jonas Brothers

Lost any friends this year?
2009: No
2019: I’d actually say they lost me.

When people say, “Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever talked shit about anyone” do you think it’s possible?
2009/2019: No.

How do you feel about gay marriage?
2009: :/
2019: I’m gay. So. It’s gr8.

Give me a random lyric from the song you’re listening to:
2009: Not listening to anything.
2019: Calling calling calling me home.

Do you think you’re approachable?
2009/2019: Unfortunately yes.

Do you make sexual innuendos about everything?
2009/2019: Yes I am a child.

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
2009: Nope!
2019: Only if the other person is being gross.

Who is the last person you texted?
2009: My boyfriend!
2019: My boss.

Song playing right now?
2009: No idea?
2019: I can’t really hear it? Something top 40 on the radio above my head.

Vignette: “Friends”

I had a friend once who told me

“You’re a joke, your art sucks, your emotive writing makes me laugh.  Every single bad thing that happens to you…you deserve.  I’ve been a good friend for you for so long and…”

and it hurt, but I guess I deserved it because I wasn’t afraid to call her out
on the things she would’ve rather not been aired on her personal page
about how
she really isn’t a good person
or a good friend
because all she really is…
is this cheap, bitter, unreliable, irritating person
who has no place in my life
and her friendship is literally laughable
because she’s the same person, who told me

“There’s no such thing as bisexual.  You can’t be bisexual because it doesn’t exist.  You can’t be attracted to both men and women.  You’re dating a man, you’re straight.”

and the worst thing is, she’s homosexual
it made me feel like
no one would ever accept me
because I couldn’t help being attracted to both sexes
I thought there was something wrong with me…

I still do

Video Game Mockaries: Dating My Daughter – Part 2

Hello again, everyone. I’ve returned from my venture out into the world and have devoured my rose petal ice cream only to return to this immediately when I come home. With 13 as my co-pilot and kuresoto, our number one fan. 

Me: *clears throat and cracks knuckles* let’s McFucking do this. 
Thirteen: I would say I am mentally prepared but I am not.
Thirteen: Bring it on.

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Me:  I love how “Father-daughter” is in quotations 
Thirteen:  I’ll just assume Humbert is already perving over her.

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Me:  UM. I’M NOT READY FOR THIS. 
Thirteen:  “Don’t act like a perv” IS NOT ADVICE THAT SHOULD EVER BE NECESSARY FOR THIS SCENARIO.
Me:  I DON’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT THIS IS GOING TO BE LIKE. I’M TOO AFRAID TO “CLICK ANYWHERE TO CONTINUE” 
Thirteen:  Jesus, same. And I’m not even fucking playing it. 
Me: *CLOSES EYES AND CLICKS SOMEWHERE ON THE SCREEN*

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Me:  I stared at this for like…three minutes.
Me: What is that?
Me: are those hands? 
Thirteen: I think we’re looking at a POV looking down at his hands in his lap
Thirteen: And apparently he’s wearing skinny jeans.
Thirteen: Or has very hairy legs. 
Me:  Wait…is his leg bent? 
Thirteen:  Yes, I think. One foot tucked behind his ankle. 
Me: A++ art.

Okay so he just keeps going on and on about being nervous this part is boring as fuck.

Then this motherfucker has this long internal monologue about how there’s no reason to be nervous, bringing us here:

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Me:  WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, HUMBERT? 
Thirteen:  I like how he’s hoverhanding his own hands
Thirteen: Even he doesn’t want to touch himself.

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Me:  You’d think he would have asked for like a picture or something? This is his fucking…daughter. 
Thirteen:  Yeah I mean you’d think they’d exchange that shit when she first made contact. 
Thirteen:  But I guess we can’t have the gross “surprise” of his boner popping up because she’s ~so hot~. 
Me:  AUGH. Of COURSE THAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN. 
Thirteen:  What else did you expect? 
Me:  For me to never ever be playing a “game” like this. 
Thirteen:  Well, yes.

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Me: Yeah, you’d like that. Wouldn’t you, Humbert?
Thirteen:  I hate myself for immediately thinking “~and bad girls need to be punished!~” 
Me:  I think we need to consider getting you professional help for your apparent internet addiction. 
Thirteen:  No I’m just a terrible person.

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Me:  Has…has he been saying all of this out loud? 
Thirteen:  Pfft hahahaahah 
Thirteen:  Apparently so.
Me:  I’m just imagining some old lady sitting next to him and clutching her purse tighter next to her. 
Thirteen:  Dude, same, old lady. Same.

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Me:  I wish he’d stop calling it that. At this point he’s still talking out loud and the old lady is getting her ass up to leave. 
Thirteen:  I wouldn’t even mind the “date” thing except I know it’s inevitably leading up to its disgusting, sticky conclusion. 
Me:  With optional bestiality.
Thirteen:  Oh yes
Thirteen: Of course
Thirteen: Can’t forget that shit
Thirteen: No matter how hard I try.

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Me:  THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS STILL AT HOME? WHAT THE FUCK. 
Thirteen:  Admiring his dildo pile 
Me:  This whole time I thought he was waiting at the airport or some shit. No he’s just staring at his giant pile of dildos. 
Me:  And ominous shadow in his TV. 
Thirteen:  Perhaps it’s a Shadowman come to claim him. But unlikely. Even they want nothing to do with this. 
Me:  They’re probably drawing straws to get to see who had to drag his ass down to hell.

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Me: door. bells.
Thirteen:  It Begins.

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Me:  It did this weird shaky animation and I was like what is happening.
Thirteen:  When did we move from dildo room to the kitchen 
Me:  After the earthquake. 
Thirteen:  And man that is one obnoxious-looking kitchen 
Thirteen:  I’d hate to try and navigate it during Thanksgiving or some shit.
Me:  I mean he does live alone. Not even his only daughter wanted to see him on holidays. So I assume he spends thanksgiving like looking at daddy daughter porn or some shit. 
Thirteen:  And eating week-old KFC.
Me:  Because grease makes great lube. 
Thirteen:  Plus who can get enough of the erotic scent of fried chicken?

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Me:  I wanna punch him in the face. 
Thirteen:  Lazy, perhaps. Disgusting, yes. An ass, absolutely.

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Me:  Ah yes. Door bells. This is obviously how it’s said. 
Thirteen:  Onomatopoeias are myths invented by the liberals. 
Me: Let her in, man. 
Thirteen:  Or don’t!
Thirteen: And save everyone!

Then Humbert is useless and it takes him like 900 more years to open the door. He keeps having dumb conversations with himself about how he hopes his daughter likes his house or some other dumb shit like how nervous he is. 

Thirteen:  Unfortunately, she did not just walk off. 

And then: 

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Me:  Woe I must venture through the valley of the shadow of incest in order to let in this man’s daughter. 
Thirteen:  Godspeed, you crazy motherfucker.

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Me:  OH MY GOD HUMBERT IS THERE A WORLD IN WHICH YOU’RE NOT USELESS. 
Thirteen:  Probably the same one where he isn’t disgusting.
Thirteen: So
Thirteen: no 
Me:  LOCAL MAN CONTINUES TO MONOLOGUE INSTEAD OF LETTING HIS DAUGHTER INTO HIS HOUSE AND SHE GETS KIDNAPPED BY LOCAL HOOLIGANS. THE END. 
Thirteen:  STRANGELY, IT TURNS OUT BETTER FOR HER.

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Me:  THIS GIRL IS TWELVE.
Thirteen:  The Lolita theme fits then! 
Thirteen:  Oh but, ~she’s 18~! Totally legal! 
Thirteen:  Jesus that face is creepy and chipmunky. 
Me:  Plus her body looks all sorts of deformed. Also where is her luggage?
Thirteen:  what do you think her “boobs” are?
Me: WELP. FULL SPEED AHEAD, I GUESS. 

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Me:  noooooo you’re not. 
Thirteen:  I wanted to say “I bet you are, Lolita” but since we actually named them that it’s not even a joke.
Me:  Nothing is funny and everything hurts. 
Thirteen:  And just think, we choose this. And by “we” I mean “you”. 
Me:  Well. You didn’t even try to stop me so. 
Thirteen:  Okay fair
Thirteen: But still
Thirteen: Like you would have listened.
Me:  I wouldn’t have. You’re right. 
Thirteen:  …also, does this look like a hotel to you? Because it does to me. 
Me:  Yes, it does look like a creepy pedo hotel. 
Thirteen:  Man, she probably caught the eye of every one of his pedo neighbors.
Me:   Quick, Humbert! Piss on her! Claim your property 
Thirteen:  Is that on the fetish list? 
Me:  I just thought “Unfortunately no” and idk what that says about me as a person. 
Thirteen:  Well, it would be better than the bestiality. Mildly. 

So they awkwardly converse in the hallway for a while. She introduces herself as his daughter. Blah blah blah more bullshit about “Wow look at how much you’ve grown”. I’m sorry for being so rude blah blah blah. 

To be continued…

I’m not appropriating gay culture, I AM gay culture.

In light of recent events I would like to set the record straight:

I just wanna say this because there seems to have been some confusion: I am not straight and I don’t write gay books because it’s “what sells”. 

I’m writing gay books because it’s what I wanted when I was first coming out in the middle of the deep South. There wasn’t much representation for me there and for most of my life, I felt like an outcast.

I don’t want today’s LGBT teens to feel the same way I did. 

I legit have no idea where people are getting the idea that I’m straight. Like wtf?? It says clearly in my Twitter/Tumblr bio that I’m not. 

Ignore the fact that I’m dating a guy. 

I have also dated women.

I shouldn’t even have to justify this, but here I am. 

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