i can’t without you

I’m laying here awake
Naked
Skin soft and supple
Lips wet
Fingers on your chest
Cheek against your shoulder
Ripe
Sweet
Open
And you’re checking your phone
For things that will never be
While I’m here next to you
Ready to be plucked from the stem
Heart racing
Heated
And pleading
But you
You’re too far gone
No matter how many nights you hold me
Beg me not to go
Smooth my hair over my shoulders
Kiss my forehead
Placate my whimpering trembling body
You’re never you
Not anymore
You’re just a shell
Hunched over your phone
Next to the
Sweetest fruit you’d ever eat
Escaping to the things that bitterness is made of
Just to pretend to feel whole again
Like you never will
Without me. 

miracles

I’m standing here
bathed in the light from the hallway
still waiting for you to come back
to say thank you
to love me again like you used to
but deep down I know you’re never coming back
because you’re angry and I’m angry too
because I hate you and you hate me too
because there’s nothing we could’ve done
but just waited for each other
and you’ve moved on
but I’m still stuck here
like a ghost
loving you
and you’re out there searching for other things
and still missing the point
of someone so devoted they would stand here
door open, hands at their sides
waiting for a miracle
but maybe miracles don’t exist
outside of fairy tales. 

convenience

Enveloped in your arms
cheek pressed to the soft flesh of your chest
listening to your words come softly
the words that tell me
“this isn’t love”
then what is it?
What are these caresses
declarations
sexual encounters
“convenience”?
And I’m used up
bitter and cut off from the world
because I love you more than anything
because I dared to love someone like you
more than life itself
and my reward
is forever remembering you 

Girls Like Me

Girls like me,
don’t fall in love
we watch love happen.

Girls like me,
wait for love
want love
give love
but do not receive love.

Girls like me,
are not meant to be loved
we are meant to watch 
and help love happen.

Girls like me,
try for love and fail.

Girls like me,
die alone
and bro-  -ken.

Girls like me,
will love, giving all of ourselves,
but will not receive it’s warmth in return.

We will cry
but we will not receive comfort
we will bleed
but the bleeding will never stop.

Girls like me,
want to be loved
but no one will love us.

We will write about love,
we will dream about love,
we will love love
but we will never feel it.

Girls like me,
end up alone.

V e r b a t i m

“close your eyes,” you tell me.
  I’m so nervous I can’t stop trembling.

You never stopped there
they said you USED me
but I don’t want to listen to reason
I’m too stubborn for their truths.

You hold my hand
tell me to run away
           {with you,} for you
I can’t say what you’ve said to me.
it’s all lies.

I write so the drugs will pass me by
YOU USED ME.

Say she isn’t angry now,
  but my head is splitting and I can’t
                        FEEL anymore.
I’ve heard you lie so many times.

“Just you,” you say to me;
     and like a SPOILED child I believed you.
You tell me “you’re amazing.”
     but you don’t know them IMPACT of the words.

You’d tell me anything to use me again,
          but as I see this far ahead the threats just aren’t WORTH it.
not with what you have to offer.

You pay me off
   like I’m so cheap you can use me over and over.

It’s funny how you think you can trust them,
      they’d rat you out in an instant while I struggle with these secrets.

For you I have been beaten and bruised,
      yet you still laugh at my iniquity.
YOU WERE PART OF IT TOO.

Tell me why you are so clean,
    tell me why you aren’t bleeding.

I feel so heavy, like lead.
   the pressure is overwhelming.
I CAN’T BREATHE.

I’ve waited so long for a moment I can’t even remember,
    It was everything and nothing to me
why can’t I remember how it felt?

You tell me I’m crazy,
   but you’ve NEVER seen these words.
I can’t let go of this anger and pain…
   everyone would be so suspicious of what happened.

Even when I speak to you I can’t get it out.
you have the NERVE to ask me why I’m crying
                 you knew I could never make it.

You tell me I’m being “overly dramatic”
   but when there’s so much inside that I can’t get out

TELL ME
      that you wouldn’t die too.

s o  m a n y  t h i n g s  l e f t  u n s a i d;
    you’d think I was speaking in another language.
this is how I speak.

In your stupidity you don’t know how much it hurts
   I never lied to you when I told you it was d i f f e r e n t for me.

Every Day Magic

You’re my everday amazing
the reason I smile in the mornings
the reason I try so hard to be.

You’re my everyday beautiful
your smile sends me reeling 
your eyes suck me into your soul.

You’re my everyday lover
the arms that hold me close
the hands that brush my skin.

You’re my eveyday magic
you cast a spell on my heart
you draw me in with your trance.

You’re my everyday everything
        and I can’t let you go.

I’m Thinking Maybe

There’s a pain I can’t ignore
Because Earlier I got to thinkin’ “Maybe I can”
but there’s things you don’t want to deal with
so there in lies the problem
to deny what love is
transforms you to hate.

People are startin’ to worry
that I’ll say good-bye to what I was
now that I feel like this.

I’m talkin’ to him 
and askin’ him “Is this right?” 
but he’s tellin’ me “No”
it don’t suprise me
the answer was there all along.

I’m talkin’ to her
but she don’t know the problem
she don’t know what she’s about.

I don’t wanna say good-bye to yesterday
because it lacks these complications
the things I have to hide
but maybe I can just say it isn’t there
but there in lies the problem…
because it is.