It was breathtaking, the silence between us. The way he looked at me, brown eyes searching for something familiar in my eyes. He wanted to know that I still felt the same. He wanted to make sure that being there with me was okay. I didn’t know what I should reflect in my eyes. I was finding it hard to breathe. The way he looked at me was suffocating.
I could hear distant explosions in the sky; fireworks. I broke his gaze and looked up. I heard him shift next to me and sigh. He must think I’m over it. That I don’t feel the same. He must think I’m through waiting for him. I feel him grab my hand, but I don’t look down again. I’m too busy looking at the rainbow of explosions in the sky. I don’t know how to tell him I’m still waiting.
I can’t even see the stars tonight, the fireworks are overshadowing them. Explosions of fire and gas that are closer than the stars twinkling beyond this world. He squeezes my hand tight, but I still don’t look down. The fireworks have captured my gaze. I sat there on the blanket next to him, hypnotized by the beauty of the explosions. I don’t think he knows how I feel.
His touch shoots electricity through my body as he moves closer, and I feel my heart race, confused by the sudden, unwelcome, feeling. I try to keep myself composed, but in the darkness my cool expression falters and it takes all I have not to look at him. I don’t know how to tell him how I feel. The words don’t come. There really aren’t words to describe this.
More fireworks go off. I hear all the familiar noises. The siren sound of the ascent, the explosion and the shower of sparks that fall back to the earth, but I’m not really watching anymore. I’m just feeling now. My heart races, my body tingles, his breath against my face. He’s still watching, waiting for his moment.
I’m not ready to see him yet. I’m not ready to feel the familiar ache in my heart. The ache I feel when I want him to hold me. When I’m dying to feel his arms around me. I don’t think he knows that I cry at night, my body shaking, waiting for him. He doesn’t know that I’m still waiting.
His eyes are still glued to my face, his breath hitting against my cheek in waves. I imagine the ocean, the sound of the waves hitting the shore. He’s my ocean and I’m waiting for him to pull me under. I want to drown in this sea. I’m not ready to see him yet.
He says my name softly, practically begging for my attention. I bite my lip, trying to focus on the fireworks and not drowning in this ocean of pain and suffering and maybe even love. I don’t know why I’m still waiting for something I never thought would happen. Maybe this is a dream. Maybe after tonight I’ll wake up and I wont see him ever again.
That’s a chance I’m willing to take as I turn to meet his eyes. They’re full of the love I always imagined that he had for me. The sort of feelings I only thought he felt for me in my dreams. I’m hit by a wave of emotions. I’m still struggling to breathe, drowning in the middle of this sea.
He catches sight of my eyes, watching them with curiosity, probing for the answers I would never be able to tell him with my words. I wanted him to kiss me, to smother me with his lips, to crush all the air out of my body until all I could feel was him on top of me. I wanted it so bad I could almost taste his mouth. I don’t think he knew.
The fireworks were winding down. The explosions were getting farther apart as the people setting them off ran out. I felt a sense of urgency. Was time running out for us too? I stared at him intently, not sure what he was reading in my eyes, but I hoped he knew what I wanted.
His eyes lingered on mine for only a few moments more before settling on my lips, asking his silent question. The one I had already said yes to. Did he even have to ask? He should know by now that he makes my heart race, he crushes the air out of my lungs, he makes it impossible for me to feel normal. He should know by now that I’m completely, totally, irrevocably in love with him. Nothing could change that. Not even the years of heartbreak I had to endure to get to this point.
He leans forward as more fireworks go off overhead and I stop breathing, waiting for him to claim my lips, to make me slip away into this ocean. More fireworks go off while I’m waiting, my eyes slipping closed, my lips parting slightly. I can feel my heart aching. I’ve waited so long for this moment.
It seemed like forever before he was finally there, kissing me softly, crushing the rest of the air out of my lungs. I try not to sob as he takes my face into his hands, his whole body pressing against mine. I need this, I’ve wanted this for so long. I can feel the sting of tears and I pull away, my eyes watering. He stares at me, his brown eyes questioning as the tears fall.
He tells me he’s sorry, he tells me he didn’t mean it. He doesn’t know that’s not what I want to hear. He thinks he did something wrong. He wants to fix it. He wants to be friends. I don’t want any of that. He begs me to forgive him, but I don’t know if I can. What he’s apologizing for isn’t want I’m crying about.
I tell him I’m happy, I tell him to stop saying he’s sorry for the things he did right. He looks confused, but I don’t want to explain it anymore. I wipe away my tears and I kiss him, long and hard. He kisses me back, cradling my face, caressing my neck, fingers trailing down my shoulders.
I feel like my heart is going to stop beating, like I’m going to die right here in his arms. And I think, that if I did I would be happy. If I died here with his lips against mine and the fireworks dying overhead, I wouldn’t regret one moment.
I’m not even afraid.