I’m re-watching the entirety of the MCU, these are my live tweets.
Today’s live tweeting is dedicated to Lisa Stapleton! Happy birthday, you giant nerd!
Let the games begin!
Do all the MCU movies have Universal before the Marvel Studios logo? I don’t remember that from Iron Man
Or is Hulk like Spider-Man? Who is owned by Sony and being borrowed by Marvel?
This opening sequence is really weird. Hulk is smashing everything and Liv Tyler is in a hospital bed and there are memories and Liv Tyler’s dad is telling him to get out and I’m really just wondering wtf is going on.
This movie is already very different from Iron Man. It’s kind of hard to imagine it was ever considered something MCU-ish with how strange it feels. It’s not something I’ve grown accustomed to. It’s very 90s.
He’s just talking to his dog. And now watching TV. And reading the dictionary. Now he and his fighting teacher are breathing and I’m just like what the fuck. And then he started slapping him. Real cool stuff is happening y’all.
From world renowned scientist to janitor. Good job there, Bruce. (Not being sarcastic, I’m pretty sure janitors get paid more than scientists so this is probably a step up)
UM WHERE WAS SHE IN THE REST OF THE MCU CAUSE HOT DAMN GIRL CAN GET IT.
Boss: 5 months you’ve been helping me out like this. You’re too smart for day labor. Let me put you on payroll.
Banner: *cuts his hand*
Terrible CGI: This is what blood looks like, right?
His blood fell into the pop y’all. He’s working in a drink factory. Lol he just supergued his finger closed.
HE STOPS THE PRODUCTION AND CHECKS AND HE FINDS HIS BLOOD ON THE STUPID CONVEYOR BELT BUT DOESN’T CHECK THE BOTTLES? COME ON BRUCE. Somebody gonna get a Hulkin surprise with their pop.
AND GUESS WHERE IT’S GOIN?
Gorgeous woman: Help me Ed Norton, you’re my only hope.
Me: Hulk time?
THIS MOTHERFUCKER JUST WALKS AWAY. OH MY GOD.
WAIT HE COMES BACK.
HER NAME IS MARTINA.
You wouldn’t like me when I’m hungry. Loving this. Great job. A+.
Now he’s making some kind of flower paste or whatever. Looks super fun. Very visually stimulating. And by that I mean I’m bored as shit right now. Where is Mark Ruffalo.
Bruce Banner. Making the Hulk Virus worse, one flower at a time.
Why do people never fill out customs forms in movies? Like you can’t just send stuff to another country without that form, my dude.
STAN LEEEE. He literally just opened a fridge and started looking in it. It was so random! OH DUDE. HE GOT KILLED BY HULK’S BLOOD (I think). HOT DAMN.
He alerted the army to his whereabouts with his blood accident. And now they’re commin to get his ass.
I hope they didn’t kill that dog cause I’m gonna be super mad about it.
AHAHAHA HE LEFT A PILLOW IN HIS BED AND THEY TRANKED THAT. Then he ends up in gorgeous girl’s apartment. Can this be a movie about her instead?
Wow Banner. They found him hella easily. He’s so bad at being inconspicuous.
HAHAHAHA SOME DUDE JUST FELL OFF A ROOF. DUMB ASS.
Mark Ruffalo’s Bruce Banner can’t fight like this. Continuity error.
He’s about to get angry and these dudes are like fuck you Bruce Banner.
It ain’t easy being green.
Me, watching these dudes get fucked up: I don’t know what y’all expected. He’s the Hulk.
Solider: If Banner knows what it is, I’m gonna track him down and put my foot on his throat and…
Me/Captain: That was Banner
DUDE ENDED UP IN GUATEMALA. BANNER WHY. BANNER HOW.
HE JUST BOUGHT MORE STRETCHY PANTS. AN ICON.
It’s really hard to make this funny when huge stretches of this movie are just silence and running around. Like I’m really upset about how boring this is.
Oh look. There’s Liv Tyler. Cool. Maybe something will actually start happening.
Nope. He’s just awkwardly staring at her and watching her walk off with some random guy holding hands.
I dunno why he’s sad. I don’t know what he expected. For her to not move on after he nearly killed her?
Her new boyfriend is a head shrink according to this super old guy who owns a pizza place. One of the best head shrinks? Idk.
Now Banner is delivering pizzas. Secret agent maaaan. Secret AGENT MAAAAN. Gonna give you a free medium pizza in exchange for entering a lab.
Hello Mr. Harrington from Spider-Man: Homecoming:
Lmao Norton 360 came up when he logged in and I’m like yeah. Sounds about right.
Frfr. I wanna know who Mr. Blue is. Cause I want it to be Tony Stark because that would be cute, but he would never be Blue *crying*
LIV TYLER SEES BRUCE.
They meet on a bridge in the rain. Also why the fuck is she whispering? Like she’s just whispering really loudly instead of talking for her line delivery and I just. Can we not whisper in super hero movies 2k19?
I actually groaned out loud for this delivery. Come ON, y’all.
At least she got the data he needed.
Y’all I am 45 minutes in and this has been a huge mistake so far.
Found out who Mr. Blue is and I immediately hate him.
I should’ve just watched Iron Man 2. At least Pepper doesn’t go around whispering all the time.
Oh no. I think I hurt her feelings. No. Wait. She’s just pining over Bruce who is sleeping in the other room. Fucking b o r i n g.
Sad music: *plays*
Bruce & Liv Tyler: *pining*
Me: *sighs heavily*
THIS SEEMS SAFE.
Another chase scene. Just what I wanted.
Lmao he just swallowed a thumb drive. Good job Dr. Banner.
Oops. The Captain is actually a General. And he’s Liv Tyler’s father. I’m totally shocked. See: No I’m not.
General: *looks at hulk* Now she’ll see
Liv Tyler: oh no he’s hot.
Tag yourself: I’m the people filming on their camera phones.
Liv Tyler: *finally yelling* YOU’RE KILLING HIM. STOP!!!
Me: No, go on. Where’s Mark Ruffalo?
I love how they just keep trying to shoot him like that’s gonna do anything. Seriously.
He just kicked Blonski into a tree lmao.
Liv Tyler is lookin at him. And she just whispers his name.
And he protects her from getting hit by a helicopter.
Twas beauty who tamed the beast.
He makes his hulk face and I’m vastly underwhelmed.
OH MY GOD HEAD SHRINK BRO TOTALLY TURNED THEM IN.
Head shrink: He protected her. You almost killed her.
General: Blah blah blah terrible excuse.
Head shrink: You know. It’s a point of professional pride with me that I can always tell when someone’s lying. And you are.
Me: Who fucking wrote this.
Head Shrink: I used to wonder why she never talked about you. Now I know!
General: *pause* where does she meet these guys?
Where is Mark Ruffalo 2K19:
He just threw a rock at the sky. It’s lightning you dumb green fuck.
There’s still like 50 minutes left and I’m just like lmao nevermind we done. But I promised I’d watch this and that’s what I’m gonna do.
Right after I go get sushi from a restaurant down the street.
She got what she wanted all those nights ago where they were pining. Lmao hulk is little spoon.
Tbh? AWH. Can you imagine Banner being little spoon with Natasha? That’s so fucking cute.
Natasha is big spoon 2k19.
LET’S MCFUCKIN DO THIS. GOT MUH SUSHI.
LMAO. She got him purple stretchy pants. SO ICONIC. But he won’t wear them. I’m real sad about it.
They try to have sex and his heart rate is just like “Yo waddap” so he can’t have sex cause of his roid rage or some shit. They warned y’all. Steroids cause impotence. And you didn’t listen. When will you learn? WHEN WILL YOU LEARN? YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES.
They’re selling necklaces now. Cause they only have $40.
THIS IS SHIELD?
I was wrong about Mr. Blue.
Who TF is Samuel Sterns 2k8.
Banner: I don’t want to control it. I want to get rid of it.
Me, living in the future: WELL HONEY. YOU GOT A BIG STORM COMIN’.
They’re on a boat now. Headed toward Manhattan.
NEW YORK CABBIES, AM I RIGHT??
Lmao. Liv Tyler yells at and kicks the cab and Ed Banner is like “Lmao.”
Hello Sterns. Lmao unassuming man shaking my hand.
Sterns: Kill him? YEAH. I should say so.
Who TF is this actor.
They’re about to shock him or something. They did it. And now he’s transforming. Haha science.
Kicking things in the lab and yelling. Haha science x2.
I sped up the play back because the amount of long ass pauses where nothing happens is too fucking much and I’m really mad about it.
Sterns: None of our test subjects ever survived
Blonski just tossed Liv Tyler into a damn wall.
Liv: I will never forgive what you’ve done to him. Don’t ever speak to me as your daughter again.
Me: Oh shit.
Sterns, to Blonski: Looks like you got a little something in you already, don’t you?
Well, now Abomination is outchea and we’ve got all these damn hulks runnin around and shit. Good job Sterns.
CAUSE YOU FRICKIN FRICKS JUST CAN’T EVER BE QUENCHED.
YOUR FANTASIES CAN’T EVER BE QUENCHED, CAN THEY?
YOU FREAKIN FRICKS.
WHEN WILL YOU LEARN?
WHEN WILL YOU LEARN?
THAT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES!?
They finally wise up and stop using regular bullets once it’s not the hulk and I’m like y’all are fuckin dumb.
TWO KISSES IN ONE MOVIE? WOW. Is this before Disney owned it? Cause Disney doesn’t like kissing.
THE FUNNIEST GODDAMN PART OF THE MOVIE.
Banner: *kisses Liv Tyler and jumps out of the airplane*
Banner: *falling and waiting for The Hulk*
Hulk: *doesn’t come*
Banner: OH SHIT
Hulk, shows up late with Starbucks:
Clash of the titans: (This still is so perfect lmao. Look at those matchbox cars.)
What I don’t get is why they’re trying to make their own super solider serum when they already have it. Like didn’t Howard Stark already make this?
General: Help the green one!
Me: THEY’RE BOTH GREEN YOU MORON
Abomination: You don’t deserve this power
Hulk: *kicks his ass*
Abomination is kicking Hulk’s ass now. NBD.
Abomination: Any last words?
Hulk: HULK SMASH.
Me: DO IT TO ‘EM, BANNER.
Bruce Banner has incredible penmanship. That’s hot yo.
Tony Stark: *walks in*
Me: *IMMEDIATELY STARTS SCREAMING*
TONY TONY TONY TONY TONY TONYU YTONY YONTY TONY YOYNYYONY Y TONY!!!!! TONY STARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stark: I hear you have an unusual problem
General, terrible acting: YOU SHOULD TELK
RDJ, doesn’t even break character, staring him down like a pro: You should listen.
Stark: What if I told you we were putting a team together?
General: Who is we?
OH MY GOD HE’S SO HOT.
THEN IT JUST ENDS THERE. TONY COME BACK. TONY. TONY COME BACK. *SOBBING* TONY YOU WERE THE ONLY GOOD THING IN THIS MOVIE (OTHER THAN MARTINA) COME BACK.
Also what happened to Banner’s dog?
Y’all there was no after credits scene this is fucking sacrilege.
Give me more Tony Stark 2k19.
That concludes my live tweet thread for The Incredible Hulk! You can read them on Twitter here.
I’ve been unemployed for a few months and my savings are running out. So every day is a struggle. Any little bit helps.